There are other reasons to keep a record of my adventures of course. There’re the memories I seem intent on destroying now and then with excessive combinations of whisky, beer and cheap gin (OK just that one time, but I was staying in a CASTLE, and there are many photos that will never see the light of day, so even if I forget I’ll never forget.) There’s the whole narrative element to my time here that doesn’t quite come across in status updates of 450 characters (I haven’t even bothered with Twitter - I can’t even say ‘hello’ in less than 150 characters). There’s the shame that Niki and Jacqui put me to with their constant updates. And of course poor Jess, who has almost given up with her “Dude, can you PLEASE upload those frickin’ photos?!” So that’s what I’m going to try and do: fill you in on the past five months; piece together the adventures I’ve been on; and not write my thesis. Sounds like a plan.
I will begin by cheating and simply putting up some unpublished material I wrote a few months ago but never got around to finishing. That way it looks like I’ve written more. Note that it too starts with apologies for not writing more frequent updates, and promises to do better. At least I’m consistent...
Well here we are, three months in Glesga, less than a year to go. 20% done. There’ve been adventures aplenty, friendships forged, Scottish pride, Scotch whisky, a night in castle, and many others ending at a place called Nice ‘N Sleazy. Of course these activities have likely escaped you, poor neglected reader, as my blog here so far made it to... my arrival in Glasgow on my first day. Clearly I’m not spectacular at keeping you updated with all the goings on here, but I’ll persevere nonetheless in the naive and self-deluded assumption that people somewhere find this stuff interesting.
My time in Glasgow has been spent with a motley cast of characters from all corners of the globe. Admittedly there are a disproportionate number of Aussies, but at least I didn’t meet them at Walkabout (yes, there’s one in Glasgow. No, I haven’t been (although I’ve considered it – they sell Coopers (nested brackets are totally unnecessary.))) I present to you the core crew that made my first semester so memorable:
Arttu – One of the first people I met at Orientation, I had the good fortune of witnessing Arttu explain the pronunciation of his name to every single person he met here in Glasgow. Though it’s pronounced ‘Arrt-o’ (with a rolling ‘r’ and emphasis on the first syllable, ‘a Finnish version of Arthur’), ignorant foreigners (ie. all of us) happily pronounce it ‘Artoo’. You know, like the robot. From Star Wars! Friggin’ awesome! Arttu has the most amazingly ridiculous BBC accent you’ve ever heard, speaking in (and joking in) English better than us native speakers. Though they apparently outlawed smiling in Finland in 1978, Arttu allows himself the occasional curving of the lips in amusement when observing us Australians do something ridiculous like: frolic around in the snow, be loud and boisterous, speak etc.
Cliff – Cliff is the loudest, craziest, most enthusiastic Okie I’ve ever met (resident of Oklahoma – also, I believe, the only Okie I’ve ever met), who does terrible accents but has an amazing ability to get into top list gigs by turning up at the door and waiting around for someone to offer him a spare ticket. Cliff is kind of like a young Wes Anderson, full of thrift shop funk. He totally knows music. I mean, he knows it. He’s all over any obscure band playing here, and a typical week in his diary looks like:Monday: Hangin’ out at the coffee shop.
Tuesday: Seeing a band.
Wednesday: Coffee Shop.
Thursday: Coffee Shop.
Friday: Band.
Saturday and Sunday: Inter-city trip with Victor (to see a band or hang out at a coffee shop).
Likes his women like he likes his booze: buck fast.
Gowri – Gowri Atticus Chandrashekar is concerned that, in the sun’s absence up north here in Glasgow, she’s slowly losing her colour and turning into a whitie. A Cadbury who goes a bit crazy on her second glass of vino, in addition to introducing Awkward Turtle’s stablemate Pun Panda, Gowri is the namesake of the legendary Gowri Moment™. You can feel the atmosphere in the room electrify as Gowri begins one of her anecdotes, characterised by an enthusiastic start, awkward punchline, confused silence and then rapturous applause. Gowri Moments™ are highly anticipated and seldom disappointing, a real treat for the audience.
Jacqui – Jacqui is the most Aussie girl you’ll ever meet, in a good way! She genuinely and non-ironically uses Aussie colloquialisms and rhyming slang, much to the delight of her Scottish-ish housemate Lyall (who’s from Shetland, where they’re more Viking helmet than tartan) and the rest of us city-dwellers. On moving to Glasgow she promptly armed herself with Aussie tea towels, stubby holders, lagerphone, and full Surf Lifesaving regalia, which was nicely contrasted with Scottish-ish housemate Lyall and even more marginally Scottish-ish boyfriend Ben. A mad keen water enthusiast, Jacqui is the only one crazy enough to have not only hazarded a trip to a Scottish beach, but waded out up to her ankles!
Jess – Jess is the resident chic Melbournite, and has had every cool job imaginable. From retro clothing outfitter to Empire Records-ish stint at an independent music shop to sandwich artist at Subway, Jess is keen on her tunes and even keener on a boogie. Equally at home at a swanky restaurant as a dive bar, Jess is assembling a portfolio of hamburger photos as she samples her way through the delicacies of Glasgow’s fine dining establishments, located in dodgy curbside vans circa 3am. A bit of a local celebrity, Jess is also much admired for having a boyfriend who featured in the airport montage scene of Love, Actually.
Niki - Niki is a Kiwi. I mean, she’s a lot of other things: pilot fish (who scouts ahead and finds locations), national geographic presenter (armed with an Encyclopaedia of historical and political minutiae), Celtic folk enthusiast, flaming redhead; but first and foremost, Niki is a Kiwi. You notice it in the hilariously silly accent she deploys; her trip to Shetland, which she pronounced “Shitland”, provided hours of amusement, though her urging DJ Lyall to “Get your decks out” was awkward for all involved. She’s characterised by a fierce pride and noble struggle for independence in the face of Australia’s international, cultural and spiritual superiority. Though she valiantly defends New Zealand from the overbearing threat of an amusingly indifferent Australia, she has been horrified to hear that thanks to her association with us here, her accent is sounding increasingly Aussie to the folks back home. Niki also has what’s reported to be the best phone in New Zealand, and an affinity for a weird concoction called ‘Kiwi Dip’, which is essentially cream cheese and onion powder. Explains a lot.
Trond – Have you ever seen Coming to America? You know, that amazingly awesome 1988 movie starring Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall and James Earl Jones? The film that features two of the best insults of all time? (“Freeze you diseased rhinocerous pizzle!” “You sweat from a baboons balls!”) Well that’s Trond’s story. Trond, AKA The Crown Prince of Norway, is undercover at the University of Glasgow as an unassuming, whisky loving Norwegian/viking. Unfortunately, attempts to blend in are often negated by appropriating very bright blue pants and conspicuous crown. Yet despite his royal burden, Trond manages to live a relatively normal life characterised by relentless and merciless mocking of various mobile phone technologies. (cf: Niki)
Victor – Victor is gifted with one of the coolest surnames in the world: Zsuper. Yes, that’s ‘Super’ with a ‘Zed’. A resident of New York, Victor joins Cliff in representing the yanks (even though technically he’s here through his studies in Canadia) and can often be found somewhere in the UK that’s not Glasgow. Reportedly a dynamite in the sack (a rumour he refuses to deny), when he’s not running marathons Victor can often be found in the corner quietly plugging away at a bottle of Uncle Buck.
Me – Hey, I know you!Not present, but occasional collaborators: Deborah the Canadian (AKA ‘Dib’, thanks to being introduced to everyone for the first time by Niki), and Rowan the... words cannot begin to describe Rowan.
(Relatively) Locals: Lyall, Ben and the rest of the Shetland crew, Gen the bonny Irishwoman who is fond of rolling her eyes at me when I insist that I am also Irish-ish, and Bec the Jordy who thinks that her accent is normal, it’s everyone else’s that’s weird.
The Film and Television Crew (as in group of people that hang out, not professionals that work in production): To be featured at a later date.
